here I am. it’s 9:52 at night and im determined.
my sanity the objective.
because frankly,
between feedings im mostly losing my mind.
for some, ahem, unknown reason i let myself assume
the unstructured-ness of summer would be some sort of utopia
nowhere to be, nothing to get up and ready for
... shall be BLISS.
well, it's not.
in fact, it’s been nothing but pure and utter CHAOS
(and not just in my head.)
i am typing this amidst :
:: a tornado of toys strewn across the living room.
:: play-dough chunks smooshed ever so artistically
into the rug
:: a perfect rainstorm of cous cous cascading from
table to floor…(waiting for it to dry out before sweeping the horrid mess.)
:: walls that reek the gummy (God-knows-what), grime of a three year old who uses them as a napkin
:: mountains of laundry that have begun to snowball at
the top of our stairs - accumulated from weeks gone by (clean –but not folded, yet).
:: a backyard flooded with water because heck, how
else were the monsters supposed to be entertained once they tore up the house?
then, over at my three o-clock here, there she sways
- the 10lb porker who would eat the house if i let her...
7 four oz bottles a day! i swear, im not
complaining, but man! every 2 hours can really mess with a mom’s groove.
any sort of routine for this fam
has. been. shot.
and let me also add, by the time her feeding is
over i've threatened the 6, 4, and 3 year olds with a time-out and/or spanking
at least 27 times (each).
top that off with a psychosomatic fifth child
you know the one
tongues the baby’s ear with his gnarley dog breath,
rubs his flea invested undercarriage across the
carpet like he's mopping the floor,
then presumes to chew up every last pair of toms we
own, while we sleep!
suffice it to say, he’s been banished to the doghouse –for
life!
can ya tell it's been a rough few days? but wait! im
not done. i left out the part about the raging stomach flu 3 out of 6 of us got
the NIGHT BEFORE my big preschool graduation? white as a ghost, i was so sick i
almost passed out twice during the program. it lasted for days, then gave us
its final farewell with a full day of diarrhea.
as you can imagine, my summer is off to a
greeeeaaatt start.
since Alli’s been home, i’ve hardly had a minute to
actually, well.. have a clear thought! i guess autopilot is merely another form of
survival in the newborn trenches.. am I right? or am I right? just sayin- not
proud of it.
needless to say, my spiritual life has been in the
toilet. hence, the joyless, crappy, pessimistic sort of tone thus far. i can’t
help it. bone-tired and frazzled, i have no time for God, let alone my husband.
seems like a one word prayer, “help!” and a high five in the hallway is about
as good as it’s gonna get right now..
but alas, it's been 4, no 5+ weeks of sheer madness, i think it's about time to crumble. it's also time to climb out of the God-forsaken pity party pit. i
am only as near to Him as i believe He is to me. transcendent yet imminent,
always.. He’s waiting for me! believe
that! we only have to plead our need and come to the end of our rope/selves.
so instead of sulking, i somehow (grace, im sure) mustered
the last scrap of strength i had, and made way to that ol’ familiar spot out
back. parked in a lawn chair beneath the light of a crescent moon, i barely had
to look up to suddenly feel small again. and there i found Him, in the massiveness
of a peaceful night sky He wooed me back. and i am recharged. like always His
grace flows freely, giving me endless chances to draw near to Him because he
will always draw near right back.
toward the tail end of this adoption journey
(though i truly believe we are still on it), bringing baby Alli home was
somewhat comparable to Christmas morning. well, you saw the video. so much anticipation.
so much excitement. so much JOY! but then, the day after Christmas comes and
one thinks to themself, “wait, that’s it?” and truly, that's gotta be a God given
desire for us to want something else, something more -not more gifts,
rather more of that anticipation, that hope of something great. a certain fulfillment
we cannot yet experience. duh. JEsus.
now, GOD KNOWS i am NOT saying i look down at our
precious Alli and think “wait, that’s it?” no- no- no- no. to the contrary, it’s
that anticipation and the hope that’s wired in me, in us, which i pine after and ache
for. it's just that Christmas at the Collins' is over, and right
now..all that's left is loads of work (translates= death to self). clearly my tone here can prove
my weaknesses in a heartbeat.. i'll admit it, im so not good at dying to self. this is hard. for me.
that night i looked up to the stars and asked Him in all my humiliation and crud, "is that all? your big calling for me, God, it's over?" i begged Him to change my heart, to give me a fresh desire to serve and love in meekness as He did. to wash filthy feet as He did.
and so, i guess the cous cous isn't gonna clean itself up... nor the toys, the laundry, walls, carpet or backyard.
i'm just thankful tomorrow is another day.
'cause "it's not over."
He told me so. :P
