April 30, 2015

goodbye fake smiles and coping mechanisms

so my story has changed just a wee bit since we last spoke.

ya think?!

i went back and forth in my mind about whether to drop this blog all together and start a new one, but being that the name IS, "Crack(ed) Pot Life" i decided to just keep going with the major overall theme:


were i to write details from this past year, i would indeed need the time and space it takes to write an entire book, with multiple volumes no less. maybe one day i might decide to go back through the gory details and share my guts- God knows it might save a few from the daily pain and torment i face as a result of stepping away from Him- but for now, i feel the need to stand in the present, the here and now of today. really, i just want to get my (writing) feet wet again. i have missed this place of discovery and solitude, of baring my soul and keeping it accountable. it’s therapy.

here goes nothing….

having arrived from an unknown destination (fast forward one year) i will simply reiterate something from my last post, something that will rock a few of my readers’ boats: everything has changed.

i am divorced. and, AND…. remarried. you might be stunned, bewildered, in shock. why? how? what happened? but you painted such a beautiful family picture here! how could you? didn’t you just adopt a baby?! that’s so unchristian of you! trust me, i’ve gotten them all. just please take note before you go finger pointing on me, it takes two to nurture a marriage and two to destroy it. a lot was kept hidden behind the scenes, a lot. dirty laundry may have been aired in this place here and there but it was always done ever so tactfully and gracefully. the brokenness of our individual lives could never fully be exposed, due to, well… overexposure. sadly.

i did do a pretty good job of thinking i was doing everything right and he was doing everything wrong. i did do a good job of pretending all was well, to prove to myself that ALL WOULD BE WELL. some call it denial.

truth be told, i have always defined myself as a total failure, a broken mess of a person, and yet i never really dealt with my feelings on the matter. instead i got good at denying the root of my real problems by coming here to expose the surface ones – the relatable ones we all talk about and have in common. i always wrote just within the margins and in some sense blogging publicly became some sort of alternate reality i used to cope. i created an identity i looked on and liked. when I felt accepted, admired, looked up to, i felt okay.

now don't get me wrong, not everything i said was a lie -quite the opposite since truth does not return void- rather, it was the motive to please, to be praised, and honored among men that i most regret. it was the prideful spirit. it was the chasing after the wind. the striving.

it seemed i needed to know my worth, so i sought after it.
ultimately, i found it... by being humbled.

in the midst of one hell of a broken road i found myself running away from people. i hid from family and friends, i refused to pick up my phone or put myself out there, i stopped letting people in. that’s just what you do when your worth is tied to other people’s opinions, their moods, their possible assumptions about you… you stop living life when all you were living for was a feeling of accomplishment. checking your motives gets tossed out the window while fear threatens to destroy you. fear is the most powerful emotion aside from love. once we allow it to take possession of our mind it grows like a cancer, eating up the very person we were made to be.

now because my previous identity was so wrapped up in my role playing, of who i portrayed myself to be to make myself okay, i felt complete and utter fear –of everything- when it imploded once and for all. over the past year that fear took up so much space in my head. i only had enough emotional juice to grieve, cope, help my kids cope, and make a living. i lived in survival mode and plastered on a fake smile.

but im sick of fake smiles and coping mechanisms. it's time.

i finally have the courage and strength to say no more. God has been showing me my heart, healing my heart, drawing me to Him, changing me, humbling me. He’s rebuilding my entire identity and this time all i can see is Him.

as some of you know the butterfly has long been a symbol of transformation for me. thus my obsession. what's funny is it's relevance in this season. born a wretched worm, then carefully remodeled into a thing of beauty, freedom, and life.

im still a work in progress, that’s for sure. still morphing, discovering myself, forgiving myself, taking care of my self. im coming out to live because where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.  

i miss this place. i miss you all too.
more to come.

July 19, 2013

type A wannabe

most of you who know me well enough, may also know that to everyone else i may appear to be a type A person when in reality i am only a type A wannabe.

its true.
i’m passive.
i’m a hoarder.
i’m non-confrontational.
i’m really bad at maintaining schtuff.
i’m late to just about E V E R Y T H I N G.
i’m a super good starter but horrible finisher.

thankfully, God matched me with my polar opposite who is maybe just a wee bit overboard on the type A spectrum. did you know? it’s funny when people meet him after reading this blog, they are so confused. friends tell me i portray him here as the laid back, go with the flow, whatever’s clever kind of guy.

nope! that would be me (at least in comparison to him)

needless to say we fuss and fight about really stupid things, such as.. the organizational needs of a junk drawer (who does that?), or the complaint that every room in our 3500 sq ft. home is comprised of preschool crap! -including his garage. then there’s me who “can’t bring myself” to clear out the kids' dressers overstuffed with out-grown clothes, or when the 6 o’clock hour rolls around and i’m piddling about the house, “oh you wanted dinner again tonight? hmmm… bagel bites?"

of course in the end we compromise, we learn, we sacrifice, and we are all the better for it together- balancing each others’ flaws and amplifying each others’ strengths. we become more… one. and the tension, well, it just keeps us real.

i finally came to grips with it one day: in his world organization and order are crucial because they have to be… or people die. his type A makes for an amazing nurse, and in the same sense i feel cut out for whatever i may be attempting -- as the woman with endless interests hats. (ha! ADD at it’s best.)

except some days it seems those hats are pressing in, pressing down really, and i feel overwhelmed, like i’m drowning beneath a sea of willful hats. i won’t go into my pity party rant – in fact, i just deleted half of this paragraph- about how much i actually manage. that's not the point (and besides, i signed up for every single one of them). the point is i suck at prioritizing and i fail to follow through mainly because i get sucked away into other more interesting tasks (i.e. distractions), and i never stick to the plan, much less make a plan.

so in all my discontent i decided to give myself a little shove in the type A direction... something to get me out of lala-land, to summon my most pertinent priorities and life goals at any given moment. things i should probably REMEMBER – like dinner and doctor appts. perspective preschool interviews and playdates. i’m very distractible -as we all are- but on top of that, i tend to forget quickly and don’t go back. that’s why text messaging is a cursed thing in my opinion.

something as simple as having a set day to do laundry and meal plan for the week with expected shopping trip for said meals on specific days could maybe change my mediocre attempt at staying afloat to possibly swimming laps with time left over to serve others more intentionally.

i made myself one of those nifty household management binders along with a family schedule. (one for summer and one for fall and probably winter, etc.)  let me say first off, im no slave to thirty minute increments or a rigid neatly typed schedule such as this. for me, it’s solely a guide to keep me focused on my true priorities.

and after creating this i realized just how much time i do have.. time i kill fidgeting, time i squander fiddling on my phone or watching mindless episodes of phineas and ferb - granted, there is always time for Phineas and Ferb, but i must first evaluate my necessary priorities. to do that, i look to this.

here's the summer version... it needs some tweaking on a daily basis since it doesn't really include Adam's unpredictable work schedule, Alli's feedings..(or the time i spend just oogling her).. SCHEDULEWITHLABELntitled-1

the binder is my favorite. it's small,  5 x 8 and even fits in my purse. i divided it up into sections important to our clan. you can find all the printables FREE here!
 it includes these dividers:

MONTHLY CALENDAR- master family calendar includes adam's days off, kids practices, alli's therapy, birthdays, anniversaries, etc.
PERSONAL - adam's work schedule, to do lists, daily page, goals, long term and short
SCHOOL- school calendar, events, kids' school goals, reminders
MENU/SHOP- weekly menu plan, grocery guide, take-out directory, recipes to try
LETTERS- birthday organizer, gift lists, cards, stamps, thank you cards lists
CHORES- weekly chore chart, cleaning schedule, kids chore cards and stickers
OUTINGS- summer bucket list, family traditions, date night ideas, family day locations
HEALTH- doc appt reminders, exercise log
BUSINESS- photography clients phone numbers and release forms, preschool to-dos, marketing brochures, spending lists and receipts
BLOG- post ideas, calendar of posts, the blogger's prayer, blogging goals
T.A.G. (time alone with God)- Bible study worksheet, small group contacts, prayer cards

so there you have it, my type A wannabe-ness in full affect. here's to hoping it helps keep some peace... or perhaps someone out there a little like me... or, OR makes someone laugh out loud at how utterly absurd this is.

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