April 30, 2015

goodbye fake smiles and coping mechanisms



so my story has changed just a wee bit since we last spoke.

ya think?!

i went back and forth in my mind about whether to drop this blog all together and start a new one, but being that the name IS, "Crack(ed) Pot Life" i decided to just keep going with the major overall theme:

brokenness.

were i to write details from this past year, i would indeed need the time and space it takes to write an entire book, with multiple volumes no less. maybe one day i might decide to go back through the gory details and share my guts- God knows it might save a few from the daily pain and torment i face as a result of stepping away from Him- but for now, i feel the need to stand in the present, the here and now of today. really, i just want to get my (writing) feet wet again. i have missed this place of discovery and solitude, of baring my soul and keeping it accountable. it’s therapy.

here goes nothing….

having arrived from an unknown destination (fast forward one year) i will simply reiterate something from my last post, something that will rock a few of my readers’ boats: everything has changed.

i am divorced. and, AND…. remarried. you might be stunned, bewildered, in shock. why? how? what happened? but you painted such a beautiful family picture here! how could you? didn’t you just adopt a baby?! that’s so unchristian of you! trust me, i’ve gotten them all. just please take note before you go finger pointing on me, it takes two to nurture a marriage and two to destroy it. a lot was kept hidden behind the scenes, a lot. dirty laundry may have been aired in this place here and there but it was always done ever so tactfully and gracefully. the brokenness of our individual lives could never fully be exposed, due to, well… overexposure. sadly.

i did do a pretty good job of thinking i was doing everything right and he was doing everything wrong. i did do a good job of pretending all was well, to prove to myself that ALL WOULD BE WELL. some call it denial.

truth be told, i have always defined myself as a total failure, a broken mess of a person, and yet i never really dealt with my feelings on the matter. instead i got good at denying the root of my real problems by coming here to expose the surface ones – the relatable ones we all talk about and have in common. i always wrote just within the margins and in some sense blogging publicly became some sort of alternate reality i used to cope. i created an identity i looked on and liked. when I felt accepted, admired, looked up to, i felt okay.

now don't get me wrong, not everything i said was a lie -quite the opposite since truth does not return void- rather, it was the motive to please, to be praised, and honored among men that i most regret. it was the prideful spirit. it was the chasing after the wind. the striving.

it seemed i needed to know my worth, so i sought after it.
ultimately, i found it... by being humbled.

in the midst of one hell of a broken road i found myself running away from people. i hid from family and friends, i refused to pick up my phone or put myself out there, i stopped letting people in. that’s just what you do when your worth is tied to other people’s opinions, their moods, their possible assumptions about you… you stop living life when all you were living for was a feeling of accomplishment. checking your motives gets tossed out the window while fear threatens to destroy you. fear is the most powerful emotion aside from love. once we allow it to take possession of our mind it grows like a cancer, eating up the very person we were made to be.

now because my previous identity was so wrapped up in my role playing, of who i portrayed myself to be to make myself okay, i felt complete and utter fear –of everything- when it imploded once and for all. over the past year that fear took up so much space in my head. i only had enough emotional juice to grieve, cope, help my kids cope, and make a living. i lived in survival mode and plastered on a fake smile.

but im sick of fake smiles and coping mechanisms. it's time.

i finally have the courage and strength to say no more. God has been showing me my heart, healing my heart, drawing me to Him, changing me, humbling me. He’s rebuilding my entire identity and this time all i can see is Him.

as some of you know the butterfly has long been a symbol of transformation for me. thus my obsession. what's funny is it's relevance in this season. born a wretched worm, then carefully remodeled into a thing of beauty, freedom, and life.

im still a work in progress, that’s for sure. still morphing, discovering myself, forgiving myself, taking care of my self. im coming out to live because where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.  


i miss this place. i miss you all too.
more to come.
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