well hello there! crazy me, vanished again.
i guess this time it was for purpose.
i needed some air... still do.
this place can sometimes make me feel smothered.. too many words escape my mouth too freely and i lose my sense of direction. truth is, the minute i step foot from here i fail. a lot.
i'm good at setting my bar, not so good at keeping it. repeat, repeat, repeat >>>>>>>>
december has been loooooonnnggg.
feels strange to say that.
decembers prior ive used every antonym in the book for long.
my head is still spinning so that's not changed much.
but it's been sort of an awakening to put it lightly.
all these failed attempts at striving for perfection lock me in a cage.
make me want to just say:
fine. i failed, i'm done. can't change. can't keep pretending to be who i'm not and hiding from the world. can't fake the smiling good girl look. it's too exhausting. it's more exhausting here.
i woke up from a week of straight decomposing in bed with pneumonia to being whacked over the head with (holy freaking crap this is my) life?! what did i do? how did i get here? how am i gonna get back on that horse that looks bigger than my house. i asked myself why ever did i attempt to juggle this many balls? i got answers i didn't want to hear. or face. and i still can't mount this thing.
but maybe, just maybe there is a part of me that doesn't want to. there is so much freedom in owning your failures. in saying life goes on...pfft. actually the stress level is shockingly low in giving in to messes once in a while. it's enjoyable sometimes too.
i have no resolve or proper conclusion. just here to say my thoughts, nothing else.
(OMG. i ended a post with no ending. so wrong. shoot me now.)
nope, owning it.